Post by joelle on Apr 22, 2014 23:33:36 GMT -5
In my thread, which this is (and which incidentally was originally posted intentionally in the General section) "you're wrong" is a perfectly acceptable response to any statement beginning "My favorite is..."
And, please remember, the fact that the bartender is needling you about a particular drink order is a testament to the fact that he sees you here periodically, respects you, and believes you can take it. He gets quiet when you're being a bad drunk or just not up to the task.
While we're at it, since this morning's conference call is interminable, let me add
In my bar, when I'm tending,
draft is sold below cost in mugs bigger than your head. Lites, Kalibers, hefes, gansetts, skullsplitters. whatever.
vodka (rocks) and whiskey (not) are generally free if you are not douchy. Fuck it, even if you are.
Caveat emptor: if you call the bartender over to order any vodka drink that is redolent of Cinnabon, please note that he lives by the adage "the customer is always ripe." You'll be too lit to learn how much the request cost you until way later.
The jukebox is for starting conversations and is, in fact, curated to start arguments. If your cinnavod-impaired self tries to play "speed of sound" don't be surprised if "I just called to say I love you" comes on -- one of the old 'tenders broke into the unit years ago and made some strategic shuffling of cd's.
buckhunter, not buzztime. Rangers.
Regulars are regulars -- if you look at all that crazy shit i keep on the top shelf, like Licor 43 with a side of vikes, those are special orders in case an old soul happens to wander in. They'll get served stat with an imperceptible nod.
The loud group in the back in the bar's softball shirts? just back from a night game. they tip really well.
The empty barstool at the far end kinda still hurts me heart.
The bar will periodically serve free snacks. Some nights they are elbullient genius, some nights they fail but you can at least see where the kitchen was trying to go, some nights it's best just to push the food around on the plate politely and chew ice. It's free food, FFS.
On that score, I reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone. You might be happy to know, though, that I do have a gold-standard, airtight, industry-leading guarantee -- if you are not absolutely 100% completely and totally overthemoon satisfied with the product I have put on the bar, please bring it to my attention immediately, and I will gladly throw it out for you.
if you wander into a conversation, you are presumed to be decent and good and well-intentioned. You did, after all, chose to come to a bar and not go shopping online at Target. Being passionate is favored above all, unless you are passionate about the wrong thing. It happens. When it does, you'll find that I just stop taking your order. No hard feelings, there are always other bartenders.
barfights happen. they're kinda fun to watch, and you can expect me to hand out a baggie of ice and a wet towel when it resolves itself. unless you hit the bartender. don't hit the bartender.
There is a needlepoint pertched on the top shelf that says "It's not about you, asshat." I try to carry that around with me outside the bar too. Thus, eyes tend to remain out for someone gripping the barstool a little too tight -- drinks will be offered, sometimes quiet words. We all are flawed individuals, we get frightened, sad, wrecked, hurt. The bar can't fix everything, but it can put you in a place, etc. etc.
Rides home are free, and when it's sleeting like a motherfuck outside (April. Really??), my bar will sometimes stay open late for you.
Now pass the beernuts, Cliffy.1
1 That would be a compliment, chief. If, however, I said, "Quick: Top 5 Duritz songs, Ian. uh, Ray." it would not.
question: can i bring my dog?
also, does your bar have those sweet candy machines that sell sour cherry balls for .25?
is there a re really good jukebox?
please have plenty of limes in stock.
see you soon. often.repeat.
